How do you do "Cocaine" ?

This should be one hell of a handy D-I-Y.

First of all, you take this white powder and...Ah well, who am I kidding ? The lyrics are here and the chords & tabs are here. And this is how you put it all together :

#1. First things first, no matter how confident you are, you actually have to have some idea about music. If scales, chords, tabs, tempo, etc. do not make any sense to you, it's just not worth the effort. Trust me, it isn't.

#2. Make sure you've got the right systems in place and the right crowd. By that I mean the acoustics and the hardware. No pun intended please. The guys on the instruments also go a long way in making you the rockstar that you actually aren't. So make sure they are credible. On second thoughts, the wattage is immaterial, it just depends on how "high" your audience is.

#3. Not that I need to mention this, but don't ever, EVER mess up with the lyrics. At least not right at the start. A correct start is crucial. It's the difference between "Hey, this guy can actually sing" and " Oh no, who's this jackass ?"

#3. Get your timing spot-on. No two ways about it. Start and end exactly when you're supposed to and don't get carried away with the guitar riffs that you've probably heard a million times before anyway.

#4. The coolest thing to do is to introduce the band one by one just like Clapton does. No Alan 'Hurricane' Clark? no Mark Knopfler? not even Katie Kasumi and Tessa Nyles on the backing vocals? No problem, the real names would do just fine. Trust me, it works.

#5. Let some of the more enthusiastic members of the audience mob you if they want to. It helps you to buy time to get ready for the next few lines and more importantly, makes for a wonderful photo-op for seedy guys with even seedier cellphone cameras. You're going to have grandchildren to tell stories to one day, won't you?

Well, future grandchildren, here you are: